This is what the modern New York Times is missing – sarcasm. Gosh, I think that’s sarcasm. From the NY Times – May 12, 1883:
A PANIC IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
Once more there is trepidation and uneasiness among the people of British Columbia. The present panic arises from the fact that the British Columbians have been reminded by recent occurrences of their complete isolation from the rest of the empire to which they nominally belong. Three foes are especially dreaded by the people of this remote appanage of the British Crown – Fenians, Indians, and Chinese. Precisely why the liberators of Ireland should desire to set up their green flag and sunburst in the remote Province of British Columbia does not appear, unless it is that any portion of British soil, however distant from the seat of the empire, and however poor and mean, would be a conquest worthy of the dynamite of the Sons of Ireland. British Columbia is so isolated, defenseless, and weak that it is a wonder that roving bands of Fenians have not before now swooped down upon the place and established a small conquest of British possession. The moral effect of even this inconsiderable capture would be far more influential than the shooting of a dozen landlords from behind hedges, or even the blowing up of Westminster Palace, could possibly be. It would be a great day for Ireland when the harp and sunburst should displace “the meteor flag,” even in far-off British Columbia.
The Indians and the Chinese, however, are more tangible and dreadful as foes than the bloody-minded and loquacious Fenians. The Indian population is divided into innumerable tribes, all of which are endowed with names wholly unpronounceable by English tongues, and who constitute a volcanic stratum in society whose eruption may occur at any moment. The total population of the Province is about 10,500, exclusive of Indians, who are roughly numbered at anywhere from 35,000 to 40,000. The Chinese are usually denominated by local writers as “Asiatic hordes,” but as this term is somewhat elastic, there is no reliable estimate which can be applied to reduce “hordes” to exact figures. The latest statement of the Chinese population of British Columbia is to the effect that it exceeds 2,000. In the hyperbolical language of the Pacific coast a horde may mean fifty, or fifty thousand. So far as the light of mathematics has been shed upon the Asiatic hordes of British Columbia, we should say that the Province is cursed with the presence of not more than 2,500 of the Mongolian pagans. That the Chinese are guilty of causing bloody riots is notorious. On many recent occasions these bloodthirsty pagans have resisted the incursions of free-born subjects who have attempted to destroy Chinese villages popularly supposed to be infested with “opium joints” and infamous dens in which the noblest and best of white people of both sexes are reported to have been allured by weak-minded and crafty Chinese. The Indians, it is hardly necessary to say, are so strong numerically that they are an element of danger in themselves. If the 35,000 Indians of British Columbia should rise against the handful of white people, they would make short work of the loyal subjects of the Queen. The obstinacy with which the cowardly Chinese resist all attempts to burn their hovels and sweep them into the sea has provoked many riots and may at any moment plunge the Province into anarchy.
It was hoped that the visit of the Governor-General and his royal spouse would calm the perturbed spirits of the British Columbians. This beautiful pageant did, for a time, serve as an anodyne to the exacerbated people of the Province. But the normal condition of perturbation again manifests itself by a demand for a permanent garrison, an occasional man-of-war, and an early completion of the long-promised railroad. the Dominion Government replies that the Imperial Government is reluctant to grant any special means of protection, and that the railroad is being built as rapidly as possible. The only haven of security for isolated British Columbia is the embrace of the American Republic. The Pacific Province is a neglected step-daughter. In the course of nature she will come to us.
I love reading these old NY Times pieces. You can find more of them by searching Google News. They’re all of about the same calibre. Another favourite: AN UNAPPRECIATED SPEECH.; THE PREMIER OF BRITISH COLUMBIA’S VIEWS OF AMERICA’S FUTURE.
